It seems like this is the new normal.
How can this be?
When did it even begin?
Has it always felt like this?
Well, I know I am not going completely crazy, and even though it is all in my head, it is not “all in my head”.
Most days, I feel like this IS the new normal. I wake up feeling fine. Just like my plain ol’ self. I pray. I look in the mirror and think, “See, nothing a good nights rest cannot cure. You’re fine!” Say good morning to my shower and my God all at the same time! I feel like Me. This will be a good day! I will be okay.
I tell Him that I know today will be a good day. I believe it. I proclaim it. I stand upon the mantra that what you think in your mind and heart is what will be.
Routine, as usual. We’re all ready and head off to individual daily destinations and I think, it’s gonna be a good day!
I get to work, routine. Again. Work Routine. Make the coffee. Clean and prep for the day.
Minutes pass by, and slowly I fee lit creeping up…I distract myself. Smile. Encourage. Believe that its’ all in my head. But wait. My head. It’s starting to hurt…
Like falling asleep, or making the slow climb up a roller coaster, it happens very slowly. Then, all of a sudden…BAAMMM. It’s there again. Like an infestation of termites, it starts to eat away at my peace and my head. Now my throat, my neck, and even my chest. What is wrong? What is wrong with me?
How can this be. What is it? Why do I feel like this. It IS all in my head. Is it??
Then comes the FEAR. “What is wrong with me? Maybe I’m sick. A disease? A Tumor? Low Iron? Hormones? Am I dying? What is it? An allergy? Why do I feel like this? Oh my GOSH! Now I can’t breathe.” The fear is worse. The thoughts keep coming. “Oh, my head….somebody, God. What is wrong with me? Now I feel it in my chest too. I’m nauseous. But I can’t throw up. I ruined that reflex years back. You’re strong, you can make it through this. Get busy.”
“Okay, so let’s try and figure this out. What have you changed? What’s different about how I feel? What could be the root. Did you eat something? Not eat something? Oh yeah, I grind my teeth while I sleep. Maybe that’s it. But wait. I am at a heightened stress level, EVERYDAY as well! Maybe it’s stress, but I am not REALLY stressed at the moment. This can’t be normal. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? MY HEAD? What’s wrong with my head?”
Well, after what seems like months of this, and a cancelled appointment, I have scheduled another appointment. In one week I will go to the Doctor. I will not cancel it this time. I have to know.
Now, I must say that because of the nature of my symptoms, and their locations, I am terrified! I tend to think the worst out of fear of losing my life. Yes, I have that fear. I am not afraid of the afterlife, or meeting my “maker” (No offense, Lord. You know I love You!!) I’m just not quite ready to be done with my current life. I love my life, now. My husband. My kids, my new son. I will be a grandmother someday and if something is wrong with me, like, seriously wrong, I could miss all of it. My future. Our dreams. We have plans. We’re doing better. We’re on a different road. Again. A better road. The best we’ve ever been on. I don’t want something to be seriously wrong with me.
“God, can’t you hear me? Why aren’t you taking this away?”
Well, in the midst of all of this I am gonna hang in there 1 more week. I refuse to go to urgent care. I will wait and see if maybe it will get better. Today is a new day, right? It will get better!
As I sit at work everyday, lately, and contemplate what it could be that is causing me to feel this way, I am continuing to trust. I know that God hears me. Not only does He hear me, but He knows why I feel this way, and what will happen in my future. I have to trust that through anything, even in the worst case scenario, HE HAS A PLAN.
These days feel like a lifetime. My head hurts. I’m sick. I’m dizzy. I smile through the pain.
One week. It will be here soon. Until then. I will remain hopeful for tomorrow. I will work, moment by moment, to not be consumed with the fear. I am letting go. Here it is, Lord. It is yours…I will not fear the unknown, because you already know it. You are in control, and yet again, I am letting go. I fall in your embrace. I trust, that ultimately, You have a plan. A purpose. I am yours. I will not fear the unknown. I am yours. My life is Yours. My Family is yours.
So, I will write. I will smile. I will be a wife and a mother and a friend and the secretary that I have been called to be. I will love my husband and thank God for Him and our family. I will do homework with the kids. I will celebrate our daughter’s birthday. During one more week of this, I will endure this pain. If and when they find out what is or is not wrong with my head, I will trust. I will not fear. It’s all in His divine plan.
I will not fear the unknown. He already knows it. He is God. I am not.
Pray for me.
Leave me a comment. I will pray for you too.
As the days go by, I will update you…
Keep in touch, I know I will.